


@FashionablyLesbian is a hag

by Protea_Alone



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asshole zacharias smith, Draco Malfoy hyperfixates, F/F, Flirty Harry Potter, Flustered Draco Malfoy, Gryffindors - Freeform, M/M, Mention of Child Abuse, Oblivious Ron Weasley, Protective Harry Potter, Slytherins, and mostly in a joking manner, badly written iron deficiency, brief mention of stalking, but the 'asshole' does, chat fic, established relationships - Freeform, gryffindor and slytherin group chat, he doesn't even deserve caps, iron deficiency Draco Malfoy, no beta we die like women, pining Pansy Parkinson, pining blaise zabini, seriously i tried searching it up but it's probably still wrong, text au, texting au, unintentionally flirty Harry Potter, very briefly though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:22:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29699115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Protea_Alone/pseuds/Protea_Alone
Summary: theboywhowontfuckingdie: You know what @illegallyblondtheboywhowontfuckingdie: Hush bottomtheboywhowontfuckingdie: A top is speakingBlaise.Zabini: Merlin Potter I know the wizarding world literally worships you but you can’t just murder people like this
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Gregory Goyle/Sarcasm, Hermione Granger/Pansy Parkinson, Hinted Millicent Bulstrode/Daphne Greengrass, Lavender Brown/Parvati Patil, Neville Longbottom/Theodore Nott, Ron Weasley/Blaise Zabini, Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas
Comments: 23
Kudos: 199





	@FashionablyLesbian is a hag

**Author's Note:**

> Gryffindors:  
> Harry - theboywhowontfuckingdie  
> Hermione - buymebooks  
> Ron - bimyself  
> Seamus - i.blew.something.up.again  
> Dean - my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again  
> Parvati - willforever<  
> Lavender - 3mygirlfriend  
> Neville - sexiscoolbutplants
> 
> Slytherins:  
> Draco - illegallyblond  
> Blaise - Blaise.Zabini  
> Pansy - FashionablyLesbian  
> Theo - butplantsexiscool  
> Daphne - bigdickenergy  
> Millie - smalldickenegy  
> Goyle - nobodyfucksme
> 
> Admins:  
> FashionablyLesbian  
> Blaise.Zabini  
> my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again  
> sexiscoolbutplants  
> willforever<  
> smalldickenergy  
> nobodyfucksme  
> buymebooks
> 
> AU where they're still witches and wizards but muggle technology was introduced to the magical community a while back and now it's mostly accepted (except by some traditional pureblood families before the war) and normal.

**FashionablyLesbian:** Greetings bitches and biotches

**FashionablyLesbian:** I see we have the misfortune of being placed together

**bimyself:** New phone, who dis

**buymebooks:** Ron, you have the same phone.

**bimyself:** No mione it’s a meme

**bigdickenergy:** Loving the introduction

**willforever <: **Who y'all????

**3mygirlfriend:** Be????

**smalldickenergy:** Wow

**smalldickenergy:** Your usernames are disgustingly cute

**smalldickenergy:** Like I seriously want to throw up

**willforever <: **Thanks?

**smalldickenergy:** It’s not a compliment

**Blaise.Zabini:** Hi, yes

**Blaise.Zabini:** Why the FUCK is everyone being so loud over here

**illegallyblond:** *gasp*

**illegallyblond:** Blaise, you said a no-no word.

**nobodyfucksme:** What the shit Blaise

**bigdickenergy:** Wait

**i.blew.something.up.again:** What on earth is going on

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Can we have an introduction please

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** I don’t know who any of the slytherins are except Zabini

**Blaise.Zabini:** Because I used my name like everyone should

**butplantsexiscool:** But that’s so boring

**Blaise.Zabini:** I’m boring for not wanting ‘plant sex is cool’ in my username

**butplantsexiscool:** Yes

**FashionablyLesbian:** Yes

**bigdickenergy:** Yes

**smalldickenergy:** Yes

**illegallyblond:** Yes

**nobodyfucksme:** Yes

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** What

**sexiscoolbutplants:** I can already see the 3 am texts that will force my eyes to stay open

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Introduction???

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Please??

**FashionablyLesbian:** Ah yes

**FashionablyLesbian:** This is Parkinson

**FashionablyLesbian:** Queen of the lesbians

**butplantsexiscool:** Theo

**butplantsexiscool:** THE boyfriend of **@sexiscoolbutplants**

**sexiscoolbutplants:** Hi love

**butplantsexiscool:** Hi darling

**illegallyblond:** Affection?

**illegallyblond:** Disgusting.

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Who are you??

**illegallyblond:** Really, Potter?

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Oh wow

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** It was at this point I wish I didn’t ask

**bimyself:** Are we going to ignore the fact that Malfoy texts with perfect grammar?

**bimyself:** Just like Hermione?

**buymebooks:** Obviously Malfoy seems to have better sense than the rest of you.

**buymebooks:** And are we going to ignore the fact that Malfoy has apparently seen ‘Legally Blonde’, a muggle film?

**illegallyblond:** Wasn’t that great.

**FashionablyLesbian:** He’s lying he hyper fixated for at least two months

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Malfoy hyper fixates?

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Aww that’s adorable

**FashionablyLesbian:** Whether or not the statement was ironic

**FashionablyLesbian:** Draco is currently hyperventilating next to me

**illegallyblond:** Ps nay! ShUt Yoru3a MouYh

**nobodyfucksme:** The fact that all the Gryffindors recognised Draco the moment he texted the word Potter

**nobodyfucksme:** Proves the point that you need to stop fucking saying it

**Blaise.Zabini:** Merlin Greg I can’t believe you just murdered Draco

**illegallyblond left**

**i.blew.something.up.again:** Did he just

**FashionablyLesbian:** Drama queen

**FashionablyLesbian added illegallyblond**

**illegallyblond:** Fuck all of you.

**bigdickenergy:** Hush bottom

**bigdickenergy:** A top is speaking

**bigdickenergy:** This is Daphne by the way

**bigdickenergy: @smalldickenergy** is my darling Millie

**smalldickenergy:** Not girlfriends though just mates

**bigdickenergy:** Yep

**bimyself:** Oof

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** That was hard to watch

**bimyself:** My thoughts exactly

**illegallyblond:** Damn, Millie.

**smalldickenergy:** What

**butplantsexiscool:** Millie I love you but you’re Draco level oblivious

**illegallyblond:** Hey!

**smalldickenergy:** Hey!

**FashionablyLesbian:** Okay moving on

**FashionablyLesbian:** Gryphs I believe it’s your turn

**FashionablyLesbian:** Wait actually let me guess

**FashionablyLesbian: @theboywhowontfuckingdie** is Potter obviously

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Greetings

**illegallyblond:** Just say ‘hello’ or ‘hi’ Potter, don’t try to be special.

**bimyself:** I can’t believe Harry pissed Malfoy off by saying a single word

**bimyself:** this is a new record

**butplantsexiscool:** Nah remember last week when Potter existed too loudly

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** You know what **@illegallyblond**

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Hush bottom

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** A top is speaking

**Blaise.Zabini:** Merlin Potter I know the wizarding world literally worships you but you can’t just murder people like this

**FashionablyLesbian:** Update: Draco is literally red and unable to type

**FashionablyLesbian:** This is your new weapon Potter

**illegallyblond:** PAsMyY iefh

**illegallyblond:** SH uT UO yOU H SG

**FashionablyLesbian:** Sorry darling can’t quite read that

**FashionablyLesbian: @sexiscoolbutplants** Neville, again obviously

**FashionablyLesbian: @buymebooks** Granger

**buymebooks:** yep.

**FashionablyLesbian:** Hello

**buymebooks:** Hi.

**nobodyfucksme:** Smooth

**FashionablyLesbian:** Hush

**FashionablyLesbian: @i.blew.something.up.again** Finnigan **@my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again** and Thomas

**FashionablyLesbian: @willforever < @3mygirlfriend **Patil and Brown but I don’t know which is which

**3mygirlfriend:** This is Lavender

**willforever <: **And This is Patil

**FashionablyLesbian:** Which leaves **@bimyself** as Weasley

**FashionablyLesbian:** You’re bi?

**bimyself:** Yeah Harry is too

**bimyself:** Found out together

**FashionablyLesbian:** Oh

**FashionablyLesbian:** Oh my

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** RoN nO

**bimyself:** What

**bimyself:** OhH wA it No

**bimyself:** NOT THAT TOGETHER

**bimyself:** I MEANT WE FOUND OUT THE SANE YEAR BY TALKING TO EACH OTHER

**bimyself:** I HAD A CRUSH ON KRUM AND HARRY HAD A CRUSH ON CEDRIC IN NO WAY DID WE E VER THINK OF EACH OTHER THAT WAY

**Blaise.Zabini:** Oh

**FashionablyLesbian:** So Weasley likes buff guys and Potter likes pretty boys?

**FashionablyLesbian:** Useful bit of information there **@Blaise.Zabini @illegallyblond**

**Blaise.Zabini:** Shut up

**illegallyblond:** Shut up.

**i.blew.something.up.again:** We’re really going to just ignore this

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Wonder why that was a useful bit of information **@bimyself @theboywhowontfuckingdie**

**bimyself:** What does that mean

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:**?

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Merlin help me

**i.blew.something.up.again:** Babe leave them they’re still too oblivious

**bimyself:** Oi!

**FashionablyLesbian:** Why were we rival houses?

**FashionablyLesbian:** Cuz if I’m going to be honest this was an actual good idea by our school

**buymebooks:** That’s because Dumbledore is no longer headmaster and the much wiser Mcgonagall is.

**buymebooks:** She actually knows what the fuck is wrong, then tries to fix said problems.

**illegallyblond:** *gasp*

**illegallyblond:** Granger, you said a no-no word.

**illegallyblond:** Fuck

**Blaise.Zabini:** *gasp*

**Blaise.Zabini:** Draco you said a no no word

**Blaise.Zabini:** But seriously what

**illegallyblond:** So I’m in muggle London

**FashionablyLesbian:** Without us????

**illegallyblond:** I’m in a cafe

**bigdickenergy:** Oh boring

**nobodyfucksme:** Without **@Blaise.Zabini** and me???

**smalldickenergy:** Should we be worried? Draco’s not texting with perfect grammar

**bimyself:** Why are you in MUGGLE london?

**nobodyfucksme:** Due to recent events slytherins have had to relocate

**illegallyblond:** GUYS

**butplantsexiscool:** Caps

**butplantsexiscool:** This is bad what’s happening

**illegallyblond:** This one guy had been staring at me since I arrived in the cafe

**_theboywhowontfuckingdie is typing…_ **

**buymebooks:** Harry, can you really talk?

**i.blew.something.up.again:** Sixth year flashbacks

**illegallyblond:** So 30 minutes in I was like no this is creepy af and got the fuck out

**illegallyblond:** And now he’s following me

**Blaise.Zabini:** Shit

**Blaise.Zabini:** Weapons?

**illegallyblond:** Not that I can see, no wand either

**3mygirlfriend:** Hi everyone! How are you all doing?

**willforever <: **Babe read the chat

**willforever <: **Really wrong energy

**3mygirlfriend:** Oh crap

**3mygirlfriend:** Do you have your wand with you?

**illegallyblond:** Yes but my spells are limited when I’m in muggle areas

**FashionablyLesbian:** Okay there’s always a chance this is a regular amateur muggle stalker with no weapons

**FashionablyLesbian:** So you can just channel your ballet energy and like

**FashionablyLesbian:** I don’t know pirouette him into confusion

**illegallyblond:** I’m now listening to anyone but Pansy

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** You do ballet?

**illegallyblond:** Yes which gives me the physical strength I need to strangle you with my legs

**FashionablyLesbian:** Or do that!

**illegallyblond:** Shit he sped up

**bimyself:** Fuck

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Jesus christ shouldn’t someone be going there like right now

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Okay fuck where are you

**Blaise.Zabini:** Don’t tell me you’re going to apparate all the way there

**illegallyblond:** Bracknell, 12 picket post close

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Oh thank merlin I’ve been there

**Blaise.Zabini:** Also the fact that you can’t apparate on school grounds

**illegallyblond:** Shit I turned into an alleyway I’m cornered

**bimyself:** We’re in Hogsmeade

**bimyself:** Or at least me and mione are

**bimyself:** Harry just fucking apparated out

**nobodyfucksme:** We’re never gonna hear the end of this

**FashionablyLesbian:** Watch Draco swoon

**Blaise.Zabini:** Potter

**Blaise.Zabini:** I’m grateful that you saved our friend from a likely kidnapping but could you pLEASE SHUT HIM UP

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:**??

**smalldickenergy:** 112 times

**smalldickenergy:** He’s said the word Potter 112 times already

**bigdickenergy:** Today

**willforever <: **It’s 10 in the morning?

**butplantsexiscool:** We don’t control this

**butplantsexiscool:** Babe I’m coming over this is more than I can take

**sexiscoolbutplants:** Alright I’m waiting darling

**bimyself:** Thank you Neville and Nott

**bimyself:** For making me feel like single trash

**buymebooks:** So, I believe we’ve successfully been able to remain civil on text.

**bimyself:** No wait mione watch this

**bimyself: @theboywhowontfuckingdie** say something anything

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:**???

**illegallyblond:** As articulate as ever, Potter.

**sexiscoolbutplants:** I can’t believe he summoned Draco through three question marks

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** you can’t?

**buymebooks:** Fine, As civil as we can get.

**buymebooks:** I’d like us to arrange a meet-up at Hogsmeade, is everyone okay with the three broomsticks?

**Blaise.Zabini:** Don’t know

**bimyself:** What do you mean you don’t know

**Blaise.Zabini:** Never been there

**bimyself:** What

**bimyself:** They have THE best butterbeer

**Blaise.Zabini:** Haven’t had butterbeer

**bimyself:** I-

**bimyself:** Again wHAT

**FashionablyLesbian:** Technically most of us aren’t allowed butterbeer

**FashionablyLesbian:** Because it’s like 99% butter and that’s not great for our figures so our parents never allowed it

**FashionablyLesbian:** Most of us sneaked and tried it but a few of us refused to disobey our parents

**FashionablyLesbian:** It’s really sweet and creamy Blaise I don’t think you’ll like it

**3mygirlfriend:** You guys worry about your figures??

**3mygirlfriend:** Literally all of you look like models

**illegallyblond:** Well, even if we do, our parents wanted to make sure we stayed that way.

**FashionablyLesbian:** What a great time to rebel

**bimyself: @Blaise.Zabini** tell me you’ve at least had bertie and botts

**Blaise.Zabini:** Nope

**bimyself:** What the fuck

**bimyself:** This is child abuse

**Blaise.Zabini:** What

**Blaise.Zabini:** No it’s not

**Blaise.Zabini:** Just because mother didn’t allow me sweets doesn’t mean she’s abusive

**illegallyblond:** Oh, merlin, here we go.

**Blaise.Zabini:** She’s not abusive

**bimyself:** Mate it was a joke

**bimyself:** but now you’ve got me worried

**Blaise.Zabini:** Don’t be

**Fashionably Lesbian:[https://www.google.co.za/search?q=monkey+meme&client=safari&hl=en-za&prmd=ivsn&sxsrf=ALeKk01X8DKAWkaEnviZLPkK3f7O5TS7Ww:1614364485501&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjL0citmIjvAhX0nFwKHQe4AmoQ_AUoAXoECAwQAQ&biw=375&bih=553#imgrc=s0ATEbskCL8SyM](https://www.google.co.za/search?q=monkey+meme&client=safari&hl=en-za&prmd=ivsn&sxsrf=ALeKk01X8DKAWkaEnviZLPkK3f7O5TS7Ww:1614364485501&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjL0citmIjvAhX0nFwKHQe4AmoQ_AUoAXoECAwQAQ&biw=375&bih=553#imgrc=s0ATEbskCL8SyM)**

**nobodyfucksme:** She’s all the way in Italy anyways

**bimyself:** Right well

**bimyself:** This is my goal now

**Blaise.Zabini:** What?

**bimyself:** I’m taking you to hogsmeade and I’m forcing you to try butterbeer and the sweets especially bertie and botts

**FashionablyLesbian:** Oh

**buymebooks:** Oh, my.

**illegallyblond:** Somehow, this isn’t how I pictured this going at all but I’m also not at all surprised.

**butplantsexiscool:** Fair warning Weasley Pansy’s right he’s very likely not going to like butterbeer

**i.blew.something.up.again:** By the way I’ve been recently informed that Malfoy has a huge sweet tooth??

**i.blew.something.up.again:** Just wanted that to be public knowledge

**illegallyblond:** Who the fuck wants to die?

**bigdickenergy:** Yeah it’s our secret weapon

**smalldickenergy:** You can bribe him with chocolate easily or use it to make him forgive you

**smalldickenergy:** It’s the same effect as Potter’s flirting but less effective

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** What

**illegallyblond:** I hate it here.

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** We have a slight problem

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** In which my username correctly describes the situation

**bimyself:** Ffs

**buymebooks:** Seamus, what did you do?

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** This is Seamus, my phone was lost in the process so this is happening

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Isn’t this the second fire this week

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Wasn’t that the seventh year you’ve had a murderous bastard stalking you

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Touche

**willforever <: **Damn okay

**3mygirlfriend:** Seamus calm down

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Why do you two stay on this chat for like two seconds then disappear

**willforever <: **When you have the option to snog your partner all day why would you stay at anything else for more than two seconds

**3mygirlfriend:** Mood

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Mood

**sexiscoolbutplants:** Mood

**butplantsexiscool:** Mood

**FashionablyLesbian:** Touche

**Blaise.Zabini:** Touché

**bimyself:** Touche

**bigdickenergy:** Touché

**buymebooks:** Touché.

**smalldickenergy:** Touché

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Touche

**illegallyblond:** Touché.

**nobodyfucksme:** This is aroace erasure

**nobodyfucksme:** Also how and what did you set fire to

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** So I was brushing up on my transfiguration spells

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** And something must have gone horribly wrong because the next moment Ron’s bed is on fire

**bimyself:** hat

**bimyself:** What

**bimyself:** Seamus

**smalldickenergy:** AHAHAHAHAH

**bigdickenergy:** Unfortunate

**bimyself:** Seamus where the fuck am I going to sleep if my fucking bed is now ashes

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Not all of it is!

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** The big hole in the middle will just be a slight discomfort

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Ron I apologise for my boyfriend’s actions

**bimyself:** Nah Dean don’t worry about it

**bimyself:** Seamus, you worry about it

**FashionablyLesbian:** I’m sure Blaise won’t mind you sleeping in his bed

**FashionablyLesbian:** It’s a big enough bed

**bimyself:** Really?

**Blaise.Zabini:** What

**FashionablyLesbian:** Blaise will you let Weasley sleep in your bed with you for tonight while he’s bedless 

**FashionablyLesbian:** Hint: the answer is yes

**Blaise.Zabini:** I-

**Blaise.Zabini:** Okay?

**bimyself:** Thanks mate

**illegallyblond:** I can’t believe that actually fucking worked.

**bimyself:** Malfoy just fucking fainted

**bimyself:** Also by the way Blaise and I are dating now

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** What

**bimyself:** What to which one

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** The first thing

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** I hate to say it but Ron we all saw the you and Zabini thing coming

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** You asked him on a date, intentional or not

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** He let you sleep with him

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Ron no one is surprised

**theboywhowontfukingdie:** Malfoy fainted?

**bimyself:** Rude

**bimyself:** Yeah he just stood up and looked nauseous then fell back down

**bimyself:** Blaise just sighed and said not again then proceeded to ignore him

**buymebooks:** What?

**buymebooks:** Can one of the Slytherins please explain why he’s not in the hospital wing?

**buymebooks:** Or why this isn’t the first time it’s happened?

**FashionablyLesbian:** Hi yes this is your favourite lesbian

**FashionablyLesbian:** Draco has iron deficiency

**FashionablyLesbian:** He faints sometimes but he’s fine as long as he takes his potion when he wakes up

**FashionablyLesbian:** Fun fact: Draco faints when he blushes too hard this was proved exactly twice

**FashionablyLesbian:** That’s unrelated to the iron deficiency according to him so we don’t know what makes it happen

**FashionablyLesbian:** But that’s just a fun fact for anyone who might want it **@theboywhowontfuckingdie**

**Theboywhowontfuckingdie:**?

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** So you’re saying that instead of fighting Harry could just flirt with Malfoy and it would be more effective

**FashionablyLesbian:** Indeed

**FashionablyLesbian:** And I mean it will be a LOT more effective

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** I’m not flirting with Malfoy

**bimyself:** Mate you’ve already done it twice

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** What no

**bigdickenergy:** Alright then mr hush bottom a top is speaking

**smalldickenergy:** Mr Malfoy hyper fixates? that’s adorable

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Alright yeah I get it

**Blaise.Zabini:** Warning Draco is awake again he’s going to take a potion and he’ll be back so spam this convo out of existence

**bigdickenergy:** Got it

**bigdickenergy:** HPDM

**smalldickenergy:** HPDM

**bigdickenergy:** HPDM

**bigdickenergy:** HPDM

**smalldickenergy:** HPDM

**bigdickenergy:** HPDM

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** I’m so glad I convinced the hat to not make me a slytherin

**smalldickenergy:** HPDM

**smalldickenergy:** HPDM

**smalldickenergy:** Wait what the fuck

**bigdickenergy:** HPDM

**bigdickenergy:** HPDM

**smalldickenergy:** HPDM

**illegallyblond:** What in the fuck is going on?

**Blaise.Zabini:** Language

**illegallyblond:** Oh, I’m sorry.

**illegallyblond:** What in the sexual intercourse is happening?

**Blaise.Zabini:** What the fuck

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Loving the energy change the moment Malfoy enters the chat

**illegallyblond:** Can’t say I’m loving the moment you returned to the chat.

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** You know you could be a whole lot nicer with almost no effort

**illegallyblond:** Could I?

**FashionablyLesbian:** Potter you have to understand this is how he works

**FashionablyLebsian:** He literally cannot be nice to you

**FashionablyLebsian:** You’re special to him like that

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Wow what makes me so special

**nobodyfucksme:** His fat fucking gay crush on you

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** What

**illegallyblond:** GOYLE

**illegallyblond:** IF YOUN DONT FUCKS OFF

**smalldickenergy:** What’s this? I see no denial?

**illegallyblond:** I DONT FUSKVING LIKE POTTERT

**nobodyfucksme:** Your reaction says real different

**illegallyblond:** ALL F YOU CAN TCRAWL INTOA ?HOLE AMD DIE

**FashionablyLesbian:** Draco darling type properly

**FashionablyLesbian:** We can’t read that

**buysmebooks:** I’m heading to the bookstore, does anyone here want to join?

**illegallyblond:** Is the new potions guide out yet?

**buymebooks:** I believe so.

**illegallyblond:** Then I’ll join you.

**FashionablyLesbian:** I’ll come too

**nobodyfucksme:** Since when are you into books

**FashionablyLesbian:** Since never but why not try

**illegallyblond:** Alright then.

**illegallyblond:** Oh, I forgot I have the transfiguration essay to finish, I’ll come next time.

**buymebooks:** Okay.

**FashionablyLesbian to illegallyblond**

**FashionablyLesbian:** Didn’t you finish that essay

**illegallyblond:** Yes.

**illegallyblond:** Shoot your shot.

**FashionablyLesbian:** Thanks darling

**FashionablyLesbian:** You are THE wingman

**FashionablyLesbian:** Now if you could stop being a little bitch and let me be your wingwoman

**FashionablyLesbian:** Potter could be under you much faster

**illegallyblond:** PANSY

**FashionablyLesbian:** Oh I’m sorry

**FashionablyLesbina:** YOU could be under POTTER much faster

**illegallyblond:** I hate you.

**illegallyblond:** Now go get yourself a girlfriend

**FashionablyLesbian:** Thank you love <3

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Is this going to be a common occurrence

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Are all the single gryffindors getting paired up with slytherins now

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Seamus what

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** I just saw Hermione snogging Parkinson

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** What the fuck is going on

**illegallyblond:** Oh, my.

**illegallyblond: @Blaise.Zabini** it has happened.

**Blaise.Zabini:** Fucking finally

**Blaise.Zabini:** You know what this means Draco

**Blaise.Zabini:** You are very much next

**bimyself:** What’s going on now

**Blaise.Zabini:** Love you came at a fantastic time

**Blaise.Zabini:** We’re now wingmen

**Blaise.Zabini:** Drarry will happen by the end of the year

**bimyself:** Oh okay

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Drarry?

**smalldickenergy:** What’s happening are we talking about Drarry

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** What the fuck is Drarry

**smalldickenergy:** Is it not obvious

**smalldickenergy:** It’s Draco x Harry

**smalldickenergy:** A very popular hogwarts ship currently

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** What the fuck

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Why is Malfoy not reacting to any of this

**Blaise.Zabini:** He put his phone down the moment I said he was next

**Blaise.Zabini:** He’s been through this and he’s good at not going through it again

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Why has Malfoy been through this

**Blaise.Zabini:** Let’s just say you should be more than glad that you decided to not be a slytherin

**FashionablyLesbian:** However there are alternatives and you dear savior can be IN a slytherin

**FashionablyLesbian:** If you get what I mean ;)

**Blaise.Zabini:** Pansy that is horribly crass

**Blaise.Zabini:** It’s perfect

**bimyself:** Harry has put his phone down

**bimyself:** He is effectively ignoring us

**FashionablyLesbian:** By the way **@bimyself** shouldn’t you change your username since you’re less bi yourself now

**bimyself:** True true

**bimyself changed their name to Ron.Weasley**

**Blaise.Zabini:** LOVE

**Blaise.Zabini:** I-

**bigdickenergy:** I can’t believe you killed blaise by changing your usetname

**illegallyblond:** *username

**bigdickenergy:** Fuck off gay

**illegallyblond:** No.

**bigdickenergy:** Drarry

**illegallyblond left**

**FashionablyLesbian:** I’m actually not going to add him back

**FashionablyLesbian made theboywhowontfuckingdie admin**

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Who thought it was a good idea to make me one of the leaders

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Because this will end in chaos

**FashionablyLesbian:** None of the admins add Draco back tell him the only person who can add him back is Potter

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Did I consent to this

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** What if I don’t want to add him back

**FashionablyLesbian:** That would be great

**FashionablyLesbian:** Because then Draco would have to persuade you

**FashionablyLesbian:** If you know what I mean ;)

**theboywhowontfuckingdie left**

**FashionablyLesbian added theboywhowontfuckingdie**

**FashionablyLesbian:** That’s not the program biotch

**illegallyblond to FashionablyLesbian**

**illegallyblond:** Add me back, Mcgonagall is on my arse.

**illegallyblond:** Someone told her I left.

**FashionablyLesbian:** Wonder who that could be

**FashionablyLesbian:** And no can do

**FashionsblyLesbian:** I have made Potter admin and made sure the other admins don’t add you

**FashionablyLesbian:** He’s your only hope

**illegallyblond:** I’ve asked Neville to put his toad in your bed

**illegallyblond blocked this contact**

**FashionablyLesbian:** Draco

**FashionablyLesbian:** Draco no

**illegallyblond to Blaise.Zabini**

**illegallyblond:** Blaise, please.

**illegallyblond:** Have mercy.

**Blaise.Zabini:** I’m sorry Draco

**Blaise.Zabini:** I’m not willing to meet the wrath of Pansy for your sake

**illegallyblond blocked this contact**

**Blaise.Zabini:** You dramatic bitch

**illegallyblond to smalldickenergy**

**illegallyblond:** Millie.

**smalldickenergy:** No

**illegallyblond blocked this contact**

**smalldickenergy blocked this contact**

**illegallyblond to nobodyfucksme**

**illegallyblond:** Greg.

**illegallyblond:** You know how you’re my favourite person in the whole world?

**nobodyfucksme:** I think sweet talking Potter would help you more in this case

**illegallyblond:** I retract my statement.

**illegallyblond blocked this contact**

**illegallyblond to buymebooks**

**illegallyblond:** Granger.

**illegallyblond:** Please.

**illegallyblond:** Mcgonagall is threatening me with detention.

**buymebooks:** I’m sorry, Draco.

**buymebooks:** But I really don’t want to upset Pansy.

**buymebooks:** And really, it’s about time you two stop being oblivious idiots.

**illegallyblond blocked this contact**

**buymebooks:** Wow.

**buymebooks:** Mature.

**illegallyblond to sexiscoolbutplants**

**illegallyblond:** Neville.

**illegallyblond:** I’m on my knees.

**sexiscoolbutplants:** You must be truly desperate if you’re using my first name

**sexiscoolbutplants:** But unfortunately I cannot do anything for you

**illegallyblond:** Fine.

**illegallyblond:** You agreed to put your toad in Pansy’s bed, so I won’t block you.

**sexiscoolbutplants:** Umm

**sexiscoolbutplants:** Thank you?

**illegallyblond:** You’re welcome.

**illegallyblond to willforever <**

**illegallyblond:** Patil, please add me back.

**willforever <: **No <3

**illegallyblond blocked this contact**

**illegallyblond to my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again**

**illegallyblond:** Thomas, please add me back.

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** I’ve literally never heard you say please

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Or in this case see it I guess

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Sorry though

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Hi this is Seamus

**illegallyblond:** Hi?

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Yeah I’m here to tell you to

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** GET YOUR SHIT TOGATHER

**illegallyblond:** *together

**illegallyblond:** And what?

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Fucking merlin just snog already

**illegallyblond blocked this contact**

**illegallyblond to theboywhowontfuckingdie**

**_illegallyblond is typing…_ **

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Okay you’ve been typing for a solid 30 minutes

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Before you go on I’d just like to say

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** No

**illegallyblond:** Potter, if I get detention understand that I will drag you down with me.

**illegallyblond:** Add me back to the fucking group, Potter.

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Wow you hear that

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** It sounds

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** It kinda sounds like

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** No

**illegallyblond:** Potter I can’t afford a detention this year

**illegallyblond:** What the fuck do you want

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** I can’t believe I’ve made you text without perfect punctuations

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Last time that happened you almost got kidnapped

**illegallyblond:** Potter

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** I want you to say please

**illegallyblond:** Fcukingdbkajfihiefnfh

**illegallyblond:** Fine

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** I want you to SAY it

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Meet me at the room of requirements tomorrow at midnight

**illegallyblond:** You’re fucking kidding me

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Nope.

**illegallyblond:** I will be there but I will murder you instead of saying please

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Aw but I bet you’d look so pretty when you’re begging

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Malfoy?

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** It’s been like 20 minutes did I break you

**illegallyblond:** YOUFUCKCDIHBFIY H

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** I see

**theboywhowontfuckingdie added illegallyblond**

**illegallyblond changed the group name to ‘@FashionablyLesbian is a hag’**

**FashionablyLesbian:** Rude

**FashionablyLesbian:** But I shall let it slide

**FashionablyLesbian:** And if you say you and Potter still haven’t shagged I swear on merlin’s grave I will do this shit again

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** We did

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** But you are all mistaken if you think that has changed anything

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Watch this

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:**???

**illegallyblond:** Why would you send a message that has absolutely no contribution to the conversation?

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** You’re pretty

**illegallyblond:** YOUF

**illegallyblond:** SAJDIKEF

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** The power I now hold

**i.blew.something.up.again:** So is Malfoy indeed a bottom

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Indeed

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** And you finally got a new phone

**i.blew.something.up.again:** With great difficulty

**i.blew.something.up.again:** Let’s just say the parental figures were less than happy

**Ron.Weasley:** No shit

**Ron.Weasley:** You blew your fucking phone up Seamus

**i.blew.something.up.again:** I didn’t come on this group chat for a personal attack

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** So has everyone been paired off now

**i.blew.something.up.again:** Yeah Dean I’ve been meaning to talk to you

**i.blew.something.up.again:** Now that everyone’s been paired off with a slytherin I’m breaking up with you to be with my one true love

**i.blew.something.up.again: @smalldickenergy**

**smalldickenergy:** Ha, suck that

**my.boyfriend.blew.something.up.again:** Seamus you’re gay

**Ron.Weasley:** This group chat is a fucking disaster

**Ron.Weasley:** I bet the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff group chat is doing better

**Blaise.Zabini:** Nah the group chat’s probably just all of them bullying Zacharias Smith

**Blaise.Zabini:** Which he 100% deserves

**3mygirlfriend:** What did he do

**Blaise.Zabini:** He basically harassed Draco

**Blaise.Zabini:** Before he used to get way too flirty but now he acts like he wants Draco to drop dead

**Blaise.Zabini:** Like make up your fucking mind

**theboywhowontfuckingdie: @illegallyblond** Do you want me to threaten him

**illegallyblond:** What?

**illegallyblond:** What are you going to do? Beat him up?

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Do you want me to

**buymebooks:** Right, Harry’s very protective.

**buymebooks:** You’re in this now.

**Ron.Weasley:** Harry calm down you’re probably scaring him

**FashionablyLesbian:** Nah Draco’s probably really turned on right now

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Love

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Would you like me to beat him up

**FashionablyLesbian:** You’ve officially murdered Draco with a single word

**FashionablyLesbian:** Congratulations

**illegallyblond:** I mean,

**illegallyblond:** If I said no you’d do it anyway, wouldn’t you?

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** I’d like to say no but probably

**illegallyblond:** Don’t beat him up but I’ll let you scare the shit out of him

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Nice

**theboywhowontfuckingdie:** Love you

**FashionablyLesbian:** And Draco’s down

**Author's Note:**

> Don't come at me for the iron deficiency I know I absolutely failed but please trust me when I say that I really did try  
> I do not have iron deficiency (obviously) so I tried to see how accurate the fainting thing was and maybe I'm just dumb but I couldn't find anything about it
> 
> Thank you for reading this and I really hope y'all found this at least the slightest bit humorous <3


End file.
